Maybe we can make posters out of each of the cartoons and frame them like the ones that they sell at www.despair.com. I am not advertising for them. I just love their honesty.
What Sin Do You Committ As a Boss?
Here are what I see as the complexities in helping bosses realize that they are falling short.
1. As human being one of our top fears is FAILURE, especially failing in public. So every boss wonders about their success as a leader, but are afraid to find out. Because finding out would mean one might have to admit to failing at some level.
Their ego blocks them from the pain of the truth, so they don’t ask, don’t admit it, and can’t ask for help. The truth might be too detrimental to bear.
What makes the dynamic even more complicated is that as human beings, we are unaware that our ego is doing this. This is a human condition. We don’t know that we are afraid, and that our ego is trying to protect us. Most of the time, we are busy dealing with life and having reaction, without being consciously aware of the reason underneath.
2. Most people around them are afraid to be honest. First of all people are afraid of conflict. That is our natural instinct. And to tell someone they are not doing a good job, that is one of the top 5 ways to create conflict. There are so many risks in telling the truth, especially to a bad boss who doesn’t want to hear it, is like committing career suicidal.
3. Most people don’t know how to have these hard conversations, in a way that is healthy. So they usually avoid, sugar coat, gossip (not address it directly), tell jokes, be sarcastic, resign, or at worst case blow up the place.
As you can see it takes lots of COURAGE to change a bad boss, both for the boss and for the people around them. For someone to hear that they are not cutting it as a boss, it is DETRIMENTAL to their ego. So we need to support them:
1. We must remember that underneath all of the bad behaviors is an individual who is wanting to contribute. They are AFRAID: afraid of the truth, afraid of not cutting it, afraid to be fired, afraid that they don’t know how, afraid, afraid, afraid. So it is our job (the brave feedback deliverers) must muster up all the compassion that we have inside us, and give that to them. If you come from LOVE, you can say anything and they can hear it. If you come from judgment and and disapproval, you don’t have to open your mouth and they will shut down.
2. We need to beef up on our ability to CHAMPION them. After you deliver their short coming, you have to be able to right them back up emotionally. It’s not codling, nor is it a brief pat on the back “there, there, you are ok.” It’s a sincere place that you know inside what they are capable of. So yes, dear feedback deliverers, you must be able to see a glimpse of their possibility as a leader, beyond the icky behaviors. AND you must TELL them, remind them, make sure that they hear you in the midst of their break down.
Now for the other side: Bosses, when someone muster up the courage to tell you the truth either by their resignation or an elusive comment on some 360 feedback form, go and THANK them. Make sure they are safe to tell you this. Of course I realize that most bad bosses probably wont be reading my blog. But anyway, let me just speak to those of you who do read my blog. Anytime someone gives you a comment or feedback, please remember that this is very scary for them. Please reassure them that you appreciate them for doing this, or for giving you this gift. Do not “Yea, BUT” Do not say anything with a “but” in it! I mean it.
So the skills that are important in receiving are:
1. Appreciation and affirmation that they are safe in doing this.
2. When you can’t hear anymore, you may say “Thank you, but this is tough for me to hear. I need to go and ponder this.” Another word “ENOUGH, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE” You get to be gentle with yourself, have clear boundary so that you can survive the feedback.
And last but not least, please go talk to your coach about this. It may be self serving here. But your coach will help you process the information much gentler and easier than what your critical mind will do to you. So save yourself, call your coach.
As a leader and trainer for The Coaches Training Institute, I get the pleasure and honor to teach coaching training classes all over the world (Dubai, Canada, Israel, Europe, US, Asia). I love them all. And I learn so much about leadership, cultural differences and similarities, and relationships being with these beautiful people.
snowy street outside of Korea Leadership Center
Korea this time, is cold and snowy. But I like it. I don’t have to drive or live in it, so it is all good. I did slip and fall right in front of the lobby when I checked in. But thanks to yoga, I bounced up like a kid, without any pain or bruises.
I am surprised that they say that the snow is unusual for them. I thought it snows like crazy in Seoul. After all a few of the things they are known for are their “high quality” thermal underwear and kimchee ladden food to keep their internal system warm. But I guess I was wrong.
I love teaching in Korea, because the people are very dedicated. There is a different quality of dedication and application that the students possess. I wonder if it comes from their inherent values of “working hard, and be a good student.”
Learning Korean, numbers and little commands, I hope to quadruple my vocabulary by the end of my trip
I also love it because I naturally gravitate to learning Korean. I love putting words together and teaching myself new phrases. I said to my Korean co-leader yesterday in front of the room, “Chiong Mal kyopte” (you are so cute). It was so endearing and surprising to them to hear me “mispeak” their language so freely. It is my way of honoring them. And they love it.
I guess this is leadership lesson number one: your people will practice and learn new things with abandonment, if you celebrate and champion them as they blunder forward! (remembers, a smile and hand clapping will go much further than a frown and a head shake side way)
Another thing that I get from teaching in Asia, very consistently, is that the participants always come up to me (especially the women) and say “WE have been talking about you, and we LOVE that you are an Asian woman teaching us this foreign stuff. You give us a model of how we can be like. It is so refreshing to be taught by an Asian Female teacher. You are like us. And it’s about time for us Asian women or (just “us Asians if it is a man speaking to me) to step up and lead like you. You have a nice balance of East and West in you.”
Honestly, my reaction is about 20% ego satisfaction, and 80% humility and inspiration. I really get that I represent something important here especially for the female leaders. My sense of freedom, assuredness and ease give them a new model of what a teacher/a woman/a leader can be. It’s like I am reaching for their hands and say “COME ON, let yourself SHINE, let go (of your fears, limitations, or old trainings), and Let’s get to work.”
Perhaps the leadership lesson here is to let ourselves BE a MODEL for people. It feels a bit egotistical or arrogance to say. But like Gandhi said “Be the model of change that you want to see in the world.” I think we are modeling for our world in everything that we do. If we own that responsibility fully, we can be more of service than getting in our own ways with our “false humility, cumbersome shyness, or high maintenance denial of what is true.”
The question to ponder is “What are you modeling everyday?” or even more specific “what do you want to model? and what are you actually modeling?”
Shabu Shabu lunch with KLC Founder, Susan Gimm (to my left), Hannah my life line interpreter
Anyun-na Sayoooooh!!! (A Korean Greeting whether you are coming or going) (and you have to sing the words not just pronounce it)
WE BECAME UNTAMED.Just like every group that gets together for a purpose, there is a cycle that it must go through: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing.Six days ago when we first met, we were enthusiastic, innocent, and congenial.The idea of a trip to see the untamed parts of Bali was shiny and romantic.We were on our honeymoon with each other.Well after six days of heat, squeezing 7 American bodies into a medium size SUV, compromising different levels of personal needs, varied definitions of what “untamed” mean therefore expectations are met and not met, we all became a bit untamed ourselves.I have no doubt that we will come together as a group and finish the trip out splendidly.It’s just a little fun to watch at the moment.
Interesting Facts about Bali and Balinese that I learned:
-Bali has a cast system that has three levels.Unlike India, they can cross marry easily.But wealth and privileges still belong to the highest level.
-Either the youngest or oldest son of a Balinese family must stay home to take care of the parents.
-When a daughter gets married, she no longer gets the inheritance of her own family.She becomes part of her husband’s family.Her husband gets to have his inheritance.(She is s.o.l. as we would say.)
The oldest daughter or daughter in law gets to serve the meal
-Traditional Balinese meals are served to the elders and men of the family first, after that the women get to eat, then the children.
-In general, it appears that as much as one half to three quarter of the land property is dedicated space for the family temple, and the left over space is their living quarter.
-They pray and do devotion at least twice a day, the average is five times a day.
-Temple space is always divided into three sections: the beginning (birth), middle (life), end (death).So in a town there are at least 3 main temples: Beginning, Middle, End.In a home, the temple area is divided that way too.
-For Balinese people harmony, spirituality, and community are some of their highest values.
Daily offering morning and evening
Flowers for the Spirits, Rice for the ants
-At the core, Balinese believe in Animalism first, then Hinduism or other religions on top of that.So we see little food offering left out everywhere, to honor the trees, the spirits, ancestors, even for the little ants to partake in the day’s eateries.
-Beautiful sarongs are always worn to the temple to show respect to the gods. (The sarongs are HOT to wear. Cause they block the wind from cooling your legs down. Give me shorts any day)
-Many people still wear everyday sarongs for most of their daily activities.
-Balinese live in a community based society.Most decisions are decided and carried out from community meetings that are held at local banjars (town hall meeting space).
-When you meet a Balinese person, they always ask “where are you going?” and “where did you come from” so that they can connect with you.They are not being nosy or rude (or planning to attack you if they know where you will be).
- Balinese people still go down to the river and do their washing and bathing. I have been in that river, and it’s refreshing.
Last but not least (for now), I am rereading the “Love” part of “Eat, Pray, Love.”It’s fun to experience Bali then check it against what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote so I can understand more of what just happened.To me the book is pretty accurate.Oh, and Julia Roberts is in Bali right now finishing up filming for “Eat, Pray, Love” Lots of hoo-ha’s and gossips about that. Can’t wait to see the movie.
Agung Rai, a self appointed Balinese historian and the Founder of ARMA, wanted to give us a tour of HIS Bali at the golden hour of 6am, when the sun rises. Gratefully and excitedly we dragged ourselves out of bed at 5:30am to be ready for Agung Rai.
Agung Rai and me walking the rice field, admiring the dew and the golden grains
Agung Rai turns out to be the most passionate man about Bali that I know up to this point in my life. To witness how Agung Rai looked at the children going to school, delighted in the glistening dew on the rice field, greeted the hard working farmers, and cherished every chickens, roosters, and stray dogs one would think Bali IS heaven on earth.
Here is why I wanted to tell you about Agung Rai. He is a special kind of leader who succeed because he believed. His own passion, willingness to see beauty in the midst of chaos and impossibilities, and trust his inspiration are what made him so compelling and easy to follow. Agung Rai was borned into a poor farming family, nothing special, no hand-me-down privileges. Yet through hard work, determination, and inspiration, he built this amaizing site called ARMA Resort and Museum, accumulated countless businesses and enterprises, and has been involved in many causes to preserve Bali. We got to stay there four nights. And it was wonderful with historical charm and elegance. He lives with his father, being the youngest son, in his family’s tradition, it is his duty to stay home to take care of the parents. He loves his country, his people and his culture. He dedicates his life to protect it so that he can pass it on to future generations. Being such a visionary, he is providing land to build the future home of the Bali Institute of Leadership. Because he believes in the Institute’s mission of combining East and West leadership philosophy and preserving the wisdom of indigenous culture like Bali.
I have always believed that hard work alone doesn’t bring lasting success. In fact if I have to put a number to it, I would say 60% inspiration and belief and 40% hard work will get us there faster and more fun than if we flip that and make hard work 60%. Agung Rai gives me hope that I am right. (and gosh darn it, it always feels good to be right.)
“OH MAN!” This was the most untamed event of the trip so far for me. 77-year young internationally-renown Balinese healer, Prince Cokorda Rai was amazing! (yup, another Prince. This one was destined to be a healer. Apparently not everyone gets to be a healer. They had to be chosen.) He lives modestly and has every essence of an indigenous no-nonsense healer exuding years of wisdom and compassion. The sessions are very short and tend to begin with “So what can I do for you?” We got to name our ailment or discomfort, then sat at his feet, and let his fingers do the walking on our face, neck, and head. From that quick tapping, knocking, pushing, poking of our head, neck, and face he could tell right away, what was out of balance, and at odd in our bodies both in this and previous lifetimes. It was FUN!!!
After he ran his 10 digits over my head, he said “All your organs are well. Nothing is wrong with you. You have stress previously, and you carried some sadness from previous lifetimes.” And I started balling. Didn’t really know why I was crying. I just looked at his face, the way he spoke to me, I felt so seen and loved. And what ever it was that was plaguing me just melted into tears. I can still feel the resonance of that exchange days later as I write this post.
Bali Healer Working on Resetting the Body
Each one of us had our own special treatment. Keith got his hip fixed and felt 20 years younger. Lauren had a stroke 14 years ago, which left her face twisted and her body unstable. He said he could fix it, if she gives him a month. Others got toxic thoughts removed out of their head, and special leafy remedy to balance her gall bladder and blood (which left her elated with joy and laughter).
I think I am going to cancel my expensive health insurance plan when I get back in the States. Here is my plan: dental work in Thailand, cancer/major blood treatment in China, and little aches and pain out of balance illnesses in Bali. Care to go with me???
Leadership Discussion with Prince Cokorda Krisna Dalem Agung of the Peliatan Royal Family
The highlight of today was our visit with one of the province’s young prince. He spent a luxurious 3 hours with us, hanging out, answering questions, and having lunch with us. It was very easy, simple, humble, and special for all of us. Of course I had to ask him MY set of questions:
Me: “What’s it like to be a modern day prince?”
Prince: “”Well it’s hard to be a modern day prince. Because I have to balance being a prince and making money. Money is king in the modern day. So I do have to work.”
Me: “What do you do? and what is your main job?”
P: “My job is to MANAGE. I manage my businesses, my people, my projects, my household, etc… It is our duty to create jobs for the people. I am not allowed to do manual labor work. But I am expected to create jobs.”
Me: “So how do you manage people’s corruption, and wanting special favors from the prince, and how do you manage the distribution of wealth?
P: “I don’t come across people wanting special favors from me.(Of course I don’t believe that). And here in Bali, we have this guideline for distribution of wealth: 30, 30, 30, 10. 30% for the workers; 30% for the celebrations/temples ceremonies, 30% for the community, and 10% for me and my family. Keeping 10% is enough. And if I focus on creating large projects, 10% of a lot is plenty for us. (I do believe this and am in awe and hopeful for the people of his province).
We had a few more very cool exchange after that. Here’s my take away: The prince is young and entrepreneurial. He, like all of us, are pondering about his rightful place and contribution in this lifetime. Although he does have access to privilege he also has more responsibilities to think about. One of the thing that he kept saying (that I didn’t leap in to bust him on it (yet)) was “I really want to explore this and that, but don’t have enough time to get involved with it.” Doesn’t he sound like a typcial CEO? or manager? or a female leader? oh wait, how about a male leader? or any human being? So, note to the Prince and to ALL, we never have enough time. WE just do what feels good and right. AND stop saying “I don’t have enough time.” It’s not useful.
Before I leave this post, I just have to go back to the 30:30:30:10 rule, and ponder what that might be like if corporate America consider this model of doing business: 30% goes to the workers, 30% goes to reinvesting into the company, 30% goes to building our community, 10% goes to investors?
I recently was introduced to the game of golf. I too like most people who don’t play golf, had three (false) assumptions about golf: 1. It’s for the boys; 2. It’s for rich people (I can’t afford it); 3. I don’t have time for it.
Like my favorite show MythBusters, here are my poverty “assumption busters”. You see underneath my three assumptions are three not very useful core beliefs: I am not good enough, I don’t belong, and I don’t have enough (enough time and money)
1. Golf is not for the boys. First of all, there are plenty of women golfers. In fact on my third round of golf, we were joined by a seasoned female player. She was awesome. Secondly, according to the latest blog from Keith Ferrazzi, Relationship Guru, “Would You Be More Successful If You Golfed?” He asserted that playing golf is a great way to network and build business relationships. From the 5 rounds of golf that I have played, I noticed I tend to be one of a few women to play. Heck, that’s a great ratio. Imaging the connections I can make with these boys, once I am more comfortable with the game!!!
2. It’s not for rich people. Yes you do have to buy the clubs. I got my whole set on Craigslist for $100, and my shoes for $25. My first two rounds of golf were in Hawaii at the Marriott Resort. It costs $120/per round. So my friends and I sat through a 90 minute time share presentation and earned 2 rounds each. That’s like making $160/hr to pay for golf. (You should have seen my face when they proposed the time share presentation option. I almost vomited. But you know, it was not that bad. We were clear on our goal. We let the time share people know that. And after 90 min. we were free to go). Furthermore, there are lots of reasonably priced golf during the week. And if you go to the golf show, you can pick up a bunch of deals there too. The point is, anybody can pay lots of money for golf. But smart Joes like us, we can find ways around it.
3. I do have time for golf! It’s amazing how life always work out so that we can have what we want. Yes, to play a round of golf, takes most of the day. But that’s quality time out in beautiful zen-ish nature, hanging with myself and with a few friends/colleagues/partners. I didn’t realize how much I missed out from not playing golf. The quality of life is so much better. As my spirit and mind are lifted from being outside and playing, I am able to manifest and create more magic and results in my work. It’s so paradoxical. My friend has a special cash register ring tone on his BlackBerry. When ever he gets an email that brings in a deal, it goes “ka-ching”. There is nothing better to get me in touch with abundance than when we are out there PLAYING and his cash register rings. It reminds both of us, that it’s our job to play, have fun, and raise our energy, so that we can attract and generate more abundance in our lives.
There is a few adoring facts about myself and golf that I am noticing:
a. If there is a ravine or water, I will take the shot like the boys do. Because it feels so good to try, even though I don’t make it 90% of the time. I live life this way. If I know the pain and difficulties of everything that I have been involved in ahead of time, I would never have done any of it. Just like golf, I swing at life, and risk failing 90% of the time. Only because it’s fun to try.
b. If I hit 5 lousy shots in a row, you will find me cursing like a boy! (I don’t throw my club, but you really should let me cool down before you talk to me)
c. I have high expectation of myself. Who knew!!! I expect myself to score at least around 100, when I have only played 5 times. So I am learning to notice when I am unreasonably ambitious in other parts of my life.
d. I love hitting with my “big Bertha” club. You know the BIG driver that is really light with the big head that you tee off with. Gosh, that feels so good in my hands. And when I smack it well, it’s like you know what.
So if you are calling me and I am not answering, I might just be at a golf course and there is no cell reception. But do leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I can.
“You have achieved an “8 life”, now you are about to learn how to break out of this level of satisfaction and go for the “10 life”
What I mean by that is… Let’s take all the pieces of our lives and rate them on a scale of satisfaction, between 1-10, 1 being least satisfied, 10 being most. If the average nonscientific end result score is about an 8, then we have what I call the “8 life”. The “8 life” is a pretty damn good life. Most people would kill for the “8 life”. It is solid, it is set, it is well maintained and cared for, with enough money and stuff to make us comfortable. Inside the “8 life” we have just enough to make us feel really scared at the thought of loosing it. We are attached to what we have and how we have it. It’s also a life that afford us to ask the question “what else do I want?” or ‘is this all there is to it?” or “things are good, but i am wanting something more, what is that?”
This is the place of good news and bad news. The good news is we have life pretty good!! We have achieved a lot and have reached a certain level of success and comfort that is working for us. The bad news is it is really hard to break out of it to go for a “10 life”. Our body will constrict and our mind will scream at the thought of shaking things up and risking everything we have or know.
If we had rated our lives at a 6 or a 7, we feel the pain of the need to change much sharper. The pain of our circumstance is more compelling for us to address and do something about it. The “8″ life doesn’t have sharp pain. It has a dull pain and it’s in the back ground. The kind of pain that we can tolerate for a long time. And the thought of doing something about it, sometime can be more painful than living with the dull ache as is. It is much easier to just keep paddling and keeping things as is.
I have more bad news ;-) Or maybe not bad news but warnings…
To break out of the “8″ life and go for a “10″ life, it sometimes can be violent and disturbing to our ego-system. We have to be willing to shatter our circumstances, to break our current thinking and comfort zone, walk away or cut the ball and chains that we have carefully set up in our lives to keep things steady and safe. All of these verbs that I just used are action verbs with disturbing consequences. AND there is no guarantee that we will succeed. People with the “8″ life like to buy insurance and have guarantees. Because we now have enough assets that if we loose it, it will be painful. We like to protect and demand guarantees for everything we have. And if we ask ourselves to change, there is a part of our brain that will scream out “what if it wont work?” and “How do we know we will succeed?”
When we reach for a “10″ life, there is no guarantee. In fact we can plan on going into the muck, turning things upside down for what may seem like a long time, getting really confused and doubting ourselves and the process, AND perhaps “loosing or letting go” of everything. All, so that we can find that thing that we are looking for.
And that thing that we are looking for is US. The new and improved ME in each one of us. The ME that have been tested, stretched, pulled and being close to destruction, that phoenix-ME rising out of our ashes. When we find that ME in each one of us, that is the “10 life”, and it is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears that we shed.
This complexity applies at the work place for leaders too. Think of this at a personal leadership level, and at the organizational level. This same trap is very real for executives to face everyday. And how often do you settle for the “8 Life” = good enough, instead of the “10 LIFE” = everybody rocking and rolling with the organization.
Having been there, done that, both the personal and professional levels, I say this with deep sincerity, “GOOD LUCK!”
I recently was invited to be a contributing writer for an ezine, called EXCEPTIONALIFE. I represent the expert voice in leadership and executive coaching. Woohoo!!
August’s theme is FULFILLMENT. My first article is “Fulfillment, an Executive’s Reflection.” It features an interview I had with one of my client on the subject of fulfillment and some personal thoughts that I collected over the years from witnessing my clients built fulfillment into their lives, including the Top 3 Reasons for an Executive to Feel or Not Feel Fulfillment.
This is a very rewarding opportunity for me to be a contributing writer. First of all it busts up my sabotage noise in my head that I am not a good writer. But more importantly, between blogging and writing for this ezine, I am learning to develop my voice on the subject of leadership. I like what I see coming out of me. My opinion on leadership is edgy and not typical. There is something fresh, irreverent, and very important that wants to express through me. So I am responding and trusting.
As you read my work, I do hope that you are forgiving on my usage of the English language. Being English as my second language, I perceive and express it differently than a typical American does. (ps. the typos you see in the published ezine was not from me!! somehow the editor goofed it up, and didn’t catch it.)
Onward with our exceptional lives… (exceptional, not perfect)
How does an introverted leader compete for space with other extroverts in a meeting?
Do you ever find yourself overrun by other (much more verbose) people in a meeting?
Do you rather think quietly before you speak?
Do you find it exhausting to be around people (especially ones who talk a lot) for a long time?
Most likely you are in introvert.
An introvert is one who gets his or her energy from themselves. They need space and time to think. They prefer intimate conversations over large group mingles. They can be misunderstood as aloof, awkward, or socially inept. On the contrary, I have found them to be very caring, to have lots of wonderful and meaningful things to say, and can be very easy to be with. (Here is a great article I found by a fellow introvert “Caring for Your Introvert-Jonathan Rauch“)
When I work with my introverted executives, more often than not, they will want me to help them be more successful at meetings. They think they should speak more, compete for space, be louder to get noticed. The truth is they should do NONE of these things.
So, How does an introverted leader compete for space with other extroverts in a meeting?
1.You DON’T. If you do you will loose. This is not your forte. And by nature it will exhaust you, because you are not built that way. You will then be leading from your weakness instead of your strength.
2. Learn to make space for yourself. Introverts have to learn to respect your own style. You have just as much right to ask for quiet space as the extroverts assume their rights to take up space. So when everyone is talking (and most of the time it’s giberish), invite the group to stop talking for a minute. Just to let things settle and wisdom to emerge. This will give you time and space to find what is important to say and to lead the group forward.
3.Trust your own wisdom. In my observation over the years (and I am half introvert and half extrovert by the way) extroverts talk 80% of the time, and only 20% of what they say is important and new. While the introverts talk about 20% of the time, but 80% of what they say is important and should be listened to. So trust yourself introverts. You have valuable things to say and the group need to hear it. They are just busy with their own noises. So you need to help them hear you.
When you do these three things, you will be leading from your strength. You will be commanding the space instead of running after the noise. This way of being is very powerful, and people will walk away with the impression that you are someone they can trust, listen to, and take leadership from. Isn’t that what you have always wanted?
