She is 57 years old and has been in technology for 40 years. She has two children who are almost adults and got divorced after being married to an alcoholic for 20 years. She says, “I buried myself for the last 10 years, barely thinking I might want a companion. I’ve been divorced for over 5 years now and I am not sure that I can make a good decision regarding a man. I have a lot of pain still.”
When I saw JoEllen on Google Hangouts for the first time I was blown away, she is beautiful! Before this I imagined her as old, dumpy and raggedy from her tone of voice and the way she talked about herself. You see, the biggest thing that hangs over JoEllen’s mind and drains her of her vitality is the GUILT over leaving her marriage. Actually, it’s a GUILT-ping pong battle in her head between staying too long and not having protecting her children better over leaving him behind and breaking the marriage. It has been 5 years and she still wonders if there was one more thing she could or should have done.
During our recent 1-on-1 coaching session, JoEllen was describing her marriage and it hit me like a Mac truck, she did not have a marriage. A marriage implies two people care for each other, doing their best to give into the relationship, to nurture, to love and to hold each other. What she had was a prison sentence and through a lot of tenacity, she escaped!
That distinction was fascinating to both her and I. She was unconsciously calling what she had “a marriage” instead of seeing it for what it was: a prison term. She was held captive, abused, and neglected for twenty years. Interesting how this change in perspective busted up the guilt and shame that she was carrying in her head. Her old reference to her “marriage” really confused her when looking forward to having a new relationship with a man. Who would want another marriage or relationship if that is what you end up with, an indefinite prison term?!
JoEllen’s latest homework in the Loving Your 3P’s VIP program is to create a vision board of the kind of man and quality of relationship she wants in her life. She recently said to me, “I remember being 12 years old, having all the posters of teenage idols on my wall, dreaming of my future when my mother made me take them all down saying, ‘Stop dreaming about such things’. Now you, Mai are making me put them back up!” All I can say back to JoEllen is, “Honey, I am helping you get on your way to HOT LOVE!”
JoEllen’s story is one of many of my client’s journeys toward cultivating hot love in their lives. HOT LOVE starts with reclaiming our beauty and vitality, letting go of our guilt and should of’s, and then redefining what kind of man and relationship they we want in their lives.
Do you know anyone who is confused about their relationship, thinking they have or had a marriage but really they don’t or didn’t? If so, send them to me! We are HOT LOVE bound in 2014. We will be doing everything it takes to make love HOT. Let me help them make some miracles in their life or help them overcome resistance to change and be well on their way to having the HOT LOVE that they secretly hunger for.