Just saw this great article from Business Insider on 10 Super Successful Cofounders And Why Their Partnerships Worked

It made me think of my “Lone Ranger” leaders out there doing it on their own. Partnership is NOT easy. It’s like maintaining a marriage. But I know it is essential to your success.

So, how well do you play in a partnership?

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So what does leadership look like in this new century? Is leadership a natural born gift or is it one that every one of us has locked away inside ready for the right combination of knowledge to unlock it?

Leadership is a complex topic. Everyone has their own opinion of ‘what makes a good leader’ and ‘what a leader should be doing’, including me. Many leaders in business today exist at what I term Leadership 101, The Emergence Leader. Leadership 101 is about your everyday inspiration, leading, meeting goals and challenges, learning about our own style of leadership.

Leadership 101 is leadership at the basic level. The emerging leader has enough charm, wit, and commitment to get people to do things for the organization, and is relatively successful. Most anyone can lead or learn to lead at this level.

Leadership 101 leaders are concerned with:

1. Am I doing this right or wrong? How can I achieve more of the right things, and avoid doing the wrong thing at all cost?

2. What will people think of me? Therefore I have to be appropriate and do everything the right way.

3. When will I be promoted to the next level? After all that is the whole purpose to leading, so that one can advance and keep moving up the ladder.

4. How do I become the best? I must protect my turf, be the best and hold on to my position. Success is defined by what others think of me.

5. What is my leadership style? At this stage a leader (hopefully) is preoccupied with self discovery and teaching oneself to lead.

6. My focus is how to handle situation most efficiently and effectively. It is the “get in and get out” approach to situations. The leader wants to put in the least amount of effort, experience the least amount of residue, and hope for the most favorable impact.

I do not mean to make light of this level of leadership. In fact to achieve this level of leadership, one is doing quite well. One is effective, earning recognition, and is aggressively focusing on moving upward. At this level of leadership, success is driven by external pressure and interpretations. The need to know “if I am doing it right or wrong” is very compelling and consuming.

This need to be approved as a leader starts at an early age during the relationships that children have with their parents. They are looking for affirmations that they are doing well and that their parents are pleased with them. As we progress through school, these affirmations are passed on to our teachers and professors. We want “good grades” and praise from our teachers. It is the way that we evaluate what we are doing externally. At this point we do not trust our own instincts and we do not know our own wisdom.

As we move into the world and are in the position of leadership, we often lack the skills to internalize leadership. We are still looking for external affirmation that we are doing well. We do not get beyond checking in with others to evaluate and give us confirmation that we are doing well. Our leadership abilities lie in the hands of others, rather than in our own hands where it belongs.

There is a step beyond this Leadership 101 which I have termed Leadership 2010. This is cutting our virtual umbilical cord and making our way as global leaders in the world without fear and with confidence. In my next article I will discuss Leadership 2010 and how this level of leadership is needed to respond appropriately to our increasingly complex world.

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One of my clients shared a feedback that she got recently: “You are too mothering.”  She was annoyed and insulted by it.  Of course it was said to her by a male colleague, who is single and has no kid.  She felt completely unseen and unappreciated for it.

(By the way, Men, by chance you are reading this: If you ever say this to a woman, especially one who is a mother, you must be prepared for a fight, and know that this comment will sting for a long time, no matter how right you might be.)

What are the qualities of “mothering”?

As a mother, myself, I would define it as:

-  Caring, loving, dedicating of ourselves

-  Being responsible 24/7: doing chores, all the grunt work, what ever it takes to be there for…

-  Protecting, providing, serving

So when does a leader (or a mother) become too mothering?

-  She starts to believe that the org can’t do without her, so she takes on too much.  She becomes the martyr.

-  She can’t stand the thought that her people might FAIL, so she tries to overly protect.  She becomes the saint.

-  She exhausts herself.  She is an emotional wreck.  She forgets her own needs, wants, and boundaries.  She becomes a victim.

The combination of Victim, Martyr and Saint is like the iceberg to the Titanic, for female executives.

So LADIES!!! You get to keep your “mothering” qualities.  That is how women lead.  That is what makes us great.  Because we are willing to care deeply, that we would do anything to serve.  And we are creative, nimble, and a great juggler of many balls.  We are a success story.

BUT you don’t get to carry a cross, or nail yourself on the cross, or even ascend into heaven while you are leading your organization.

We need you healthy, whole, trusting, confident, and having clear boundaries and judgments.  So that you can be the great leader that we know you are.

I salute you.

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